Tomorrow is my own birthday (I always enjoyed the fact that my mom and I have such close birthdays to one another). I wish I was excited about it. I wish it wasn't such a big deal to me, and as such, I tend to end up disapointed in how it turns out. Silly, isn't it? This year I haven't planned anything grand- no party, no going out, no celebration. It's making me feel more down, and not because of the fact of getting another year older (though, I admit, I get stuck in the rut of judging myself by what I've not yet accomplished in comparisson to my age- bad idea). My ego has me thinking about how birthdays are milestones in our life, meant to be special occasions, our special day and one person who I really wanted to share it with isn't in my life right now, other than in my heart and my memories. Relationship endings are so so tough on me, and emotionally gutwrenching since when I feel something, I do so passionately and whole-heartedly. So, I'm finding myself feeling sad this weekend. Mostly because in our last conversation in person, we had talked about my birthday and I had said that I wanted my present to be 'him'. And, I feel like I'm being a pouty spoiled child, upset because I'm not going to get that one wish for my birthday.
I was reading a friend's status on facebook about relationships and how some can be so intense, so overwhelmingly amazing... and it seems like with this relationships, where our souls seem familiar and intertwined- the more intense, the more scared we can get, the more obstacles that seem to arise. When, you'd think that when things are so amazing, the path would be clear and obstacles easier to overcome. Maybe all relationships are like that, no matter how in depth they are- or maybe some have more karmic lessons than others? Hmm.. Lots to ponder.
Like the message, that I posted today- this is definately a part of my 'inner journey'. I need to allow myself to open up to the serenity and joy available to me, now. Time to "re-align myself with my inner being."
No doubt, most, if not all of our interactions, offer lessons to us- some more grand and life altering than others. Usualy we learn more when the lesson was harder to take, because it makes us stop and pay attention more than if we are in total blissful glory. Then, in the aftermath, it's part of our job to practice forgiveness, acceptance, and letting go of the negativity that we hang onto (even though it feels like its easier to embrace and hold onto the hurt and sadness because it almost hurts more to think of what was good, because that's what reminds you of what's no more...). I think for me to see the lessons in my own situation, I need to really practice what I preach. I think the gift that I need to give myself are those 3 things...forgiveness, acceptance, letting go.... it just probably won't happen today, or tomorrow. But, one day.